“For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him.” 1 Samuel 1:27
For me, most of 2014 was spent in quiet longing. We experienced our fourth miscarriage early that year and with it came a season of great darkness for me. A season of depression and sadness, questions and doubts and this longing for what I had lost. I stayed there for a little while and let myself grieve, but didn’t want to stay in that place too long, it wasn’t fun and it was extremely lonely. I tried to be positive and carry on and keep my eyes on Jesus, but deep down my soul was crushed. I slowly crept out of the hole and turned my eyes away from what I had lost and focused on what I did have, the two amazing children God had miraculously blessed us with. What miracles they were! I thanked God profusely that He allowed me to carry and birth my little boy and my little girl. And it helped, turning my heart from one of discontent to gratefulness…but the longing for another baby was still there.
An excerpt from my journal dated January 23, 2015…
Lord please take this longing from me. This longing in my soul that desires another baby. I want to want You and You alone. To long for You and You alone. Only You can satisfy. Help me get through this loss. The pain, grief that I feel as I move past this stage of having more babies. I trust You. Do I!? Is this really it? Are we really done? Will I never carry a baby again? Give birth again? Nurse again? Oh I grieve. I want to do those things, Lord. But not my will but Yours be done.”
Literally, that day, the longing for another baby relinquished. He knew my heart and He answered the prayer to take my longing away. Little did I know that EXACTLY 6 months (to the day) later I would randomly take a pregnancy test and see a baby in the making. When I least expected it and against all odds, a baby. The answer to my hearts longing and my many prayers and cries. If you follow my blog, you know this pregnancy has come with great fear but as I am nearing the end of my pregnancy I am so overwhelmed at God’s goodness, greatness and His always perfect timing…I literally can’t quit crying as I write these words.
I want to give anyone overwhelmed with longing HOPE. Whether it’s for a baby, a spouse, healing, whatever it may be, God hears our cries. Not one goes unnoticed by Him. He can handle our fears and our doubts and our questions and our tantrums when we don’t get what we want when we want it. Trust me, I threw many a tantrum. I grew weary and hopeless and doubted often. And then I would feel bad for being so faithless and ungrateful. But Grace…ever adbundant even in our waiting- whether we wait patiently and expectantly or if we wait impatiently and hopelessly.
We may only see what we want but God sees so much bigger and so much more and knows it’s in the waiting where our faith can be replenished, restored and overflowing- even if at times it feels our faith has been destroyed, even if we “give up” on God…He never gives up on us. Ever. And He doesn’t get mad at us when we handle things imperfectly. He is always sovereign and has a plan. It may not look like what we thought it would, but God knows what He is doing and He loves us more than we know and is worthy of our trust and confidence in ALL things. In hindsight, I see His hands always working things together for my good. And I can see why this pregnancy happened when it did and not one day sooner.
There are other things my heart desires and I’m certain there will be more, different longings as the years go by. I can say through the many miscarriages and decade of roller coaster emotions with great highs and deep lows, of miracle blessings and hard losses, He has taught me to receive grace in the wait and that HE loves me in the wait, no matter how I wait. I’ve learned that He is in control and has a plan laid out so beautifully for me all I have to do is follow His leading. To be still and know. To lean into Him, to find comfort in His Word. To know He holds me in the palm of His mighty hand and never lets me go.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
The words in this song are so beautiful especially to anyone in wait or in longing. Lauren Daigle – Trust In You http://youtu.be/n_aVFVveJNs